A lighthearted insight into the life of a teacher and parent, on lockdown with Chinese in-laws…
Enlightening… this would be the word to best describe my situation as parent and son in law, over the past eight weeks on lock down in Nanjing, China. During this bewildering period, my wife and I encouraged her parents to move in with us so we can keep a close eye on them. As an Australian son in law, with Chinese in parents in law, and a wife and son smack bag in the middle, family life has been an eight week, bitter-sweet emotional rollercoaster.
The biggest challenge has been in the different parenting styles between myself and my in-laws. My parents in law grew up in a very different China (and world) to which we now live. My mother in law grew up with a wealthy family friend as her mum (my wife’s grandma) lived and worked in a distant factory. My father in law, grew up in a poor village entering the red army in his teenage years, seeing his daughter (now my wife) sporadically throughout her childhood years. One spoilt by riches rare at the time, and the other impoverished and fated to a gruelling decade in the Chinese military. To further complicate this picture, my wife herself grew up mostly with her grandma and attended a boarding school from the age of kindergarten…. yes kindergarten! This family situation was, and still to this day, not so uncommon in China.
To cut to the thick of it, the parenting styles within our household are about as diverse as it gets. Those familiar to Chinese culture will know that a grandchild’s grandparents play a huge role in their care, whether you ask for it or not. Chinese parents of this older generation cook, clean, take care of your child and give constant unsolicited advice on everything, from the temperature of the water you drink, to how you should raise a child. As I write this I realise that it may be interpreted with a negative tone. Far from it! More of a slapstick comedy, with a full range of joyful, painful and hysterical tears. I love my in-laws, as I do my own parents and not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate their help. We do not meet eye to eye on many things, but we still love each other!
A perfect example of cross cultural and generational parenting came about today which prompted me to write this post. My two year old son woke up earlier than usual from this afternoon nap and cries for his mummy (Yes this is how Australians spell, get used to it!). My wife, who is also working from home during this period, goes to comfort him and begins the routine of, pants, socks (kinds have to wear their socks!… those in my situation will relate) and a bottle of milk. My son, the strong character that he is, refuses to drink the milk, doesn’t want to wear his pants and god forbid anyone ever think about putting those sock on! My parents in law arrive quickly on the scene like superhero crime fighters in a movie, and are quick to offer their parenting powers. Our son, not wanting a bar of begins to redden in the race, just a like an old teapot about to whistle and lets out a long, and very loud scream. This is met instantly with a loud and aggravated retaliation by grandma. Imagine that old game of Mario where he needs to continually jump up levels to rescue the princess from donkey kong. As Mario attempts to scale the levels, more barrels are come rolling down knock Mario over, making it a frustrating battle to ‘win’. Well my parents in law are Mario, and my son Donkey Kong, with an arsenal of barrels.
Having taught primary age students for over a decade, and putting my ADHD super power like focus into reading every parenting book I can get my hands on (literally from the moment I learn’t I was going to be a father), I have learn’t so much valuable insight into parenting. Two books in particular that I absolutely devoured include ‘Raising Boys’ by Steve Biddulph and ‘Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys’ by Dan Kindlon. These books taught me that boys (and men for that matter), despite the beards, muscles and tattoos, are and always will be, emotionally very vulnerable. Boys need unconditional love, and in a situation described above, the need to be able to save face, whilst being loved. My son, most likely woke up mid sleep cycle and started off grumpy (as we all do), then needing some time to really wake up, was instead bombarded with milk, pants and socks! Tell me this wouldn’t upset you!?
I calmly defused the situation by scooping my boy up, removing him from the family crowd and calm spoke to him, like an adult, acknowledging that he was upset and asking what would make him feel better. While his pants dangle upside down from his feet, we looked out the window to see if the cats were out playing, he kindly offered me a boogie (father and son thing!) and we agreed that the best way forward would be to dismantle his favourite remote control car and put it back together. We then made an agreement, that I would charge the batteries in his car, while he lay back beside me and drink his milk bottle, and it was all smiles and laughs from there on. My son was able to save face, while being emotionally supported and provided options going forward. Not one of us, old or young, like to be backed into a corner. Our fight or flight response kicks into high gear and we just can’t make good choices. We all crave love and support from our family, friends and community, especially in times of stress, fear and uncertainty.
So with that in mind, surprise someone you love with a long hug, contact an old friend for a chinwag and offer what ever support you can to your local community.
Let’s not allow this virus back us into a corner!
Together, we WILL get through this difficult time.
Nanjing, China
4.44pm – 18th of March 2020
In the thick of the Corona Virus